"LOOK AT ME! IM COMMITING SUICIDE!!!!"
This is my vent/rant page... It's bland, but I just need somewhere to dump all my thoughts.
*NOTE: I am not usually this much of a nihlistic, angry, depressed, bastard. I just put all the shit I cant actually say here. So yeah... There's your fuckin' trigger warning.
Some entries might be vauge and weird- I ain't explain SHIT!
go back home
1-12-21/1-14-21 [9:30 PM-1:30 AM]
Woah- I'm actually writing! I've changed a lot recently, but I'll write about that later. I reset my journal because I am actually letting go of my past bullshit. Not out of fear. Not out of anger. I am doing this for myself. I deserve to be happy. I am my own person. I want to spend my time on this reached planet living for me. This is going to be short because I really need to go to bed. I have to get up early and I took sleeping medication so I'm just forcing myself to stay awake right now, LMAO... Anyway- here's the shit I'm gonna write about because I know I'll get distracted and forget it.
Here's a little "backstory."
(Credit to Ben Hall and Kevin Wisniewski at NewsChannel 5))
-"Strangle" -Nashville Bombing suspect motive theory and Media not releasing "manifesto" -New Year -Solipsism -Sol -Surgery
Damn! That's kind of a lot to write about... I'll make it brief and then add more soon.
I like the term strangle a lot. I'm not saying that to be edgy- I just genuinely like how it sounds and is written. It's kinda odd but in a really "nice" and clean way. That's literally all I wanted to say about that. Oops.
I think the Nashville bomber wasn't crazy.
Anthony Quinn Waren- the bomber who commited suicide in an RV Bomb he built himself wrote a 9 page "manifesto" and sent it to his acquaintances. This note talks about his "political views" but the news didn't release the full thing... only snippets.
"The package, which contained at least nine typed pages and two Samsung thumb drives, was immediately turned over to the FBI.
The envelope does not have a return address, but the rambling pages inside left no doubt it was from Warner.
"Hey Dude," the cover letter starts, "You will never believe what I found in the park."
"The knowledge I have gained is immeasurable. I now understand everything, and I mean everything from who/what we really are, to what the known universe really is."
The cover letter was signed by "Julio," a name Warner's friends say he often used when sending them emails.
A source tells NewsChannel 5 Investigates that Warner also had a dog named Julio.
The letter urged the friend to watch some internet videos he included on two Samsung thumb drives.
On another page Warner wrote about 9-11 conspiracy theories, ending with the statement "The moon landing and 9-11 have so many anomalies they are hard to count."
Warner later wrote that "September 2011 was supposed to be the end game for the planet," because that is when he believed that aliens and UFO's began launching attacks on earth.
He wrote that the media was covering up those attacks.
But Warner's writings grew even more bizarre when he wrote about reptilians and lizard people that he believed controlled the earth and had tweaked human DNA.
"They put a switch into the human brain so they could walk among us and appear human," Warner wrote. "
I believe he was suicidal. Not crazy. I know that sounds really fucking weird, but hear me out. I believe that this little "manifesto" is not real. I think he's making shit up to actually make fun of the media. I think this was actually just a suicide bomber. This is sad as fuck, so I apologize in advance but… I think he just wanted to go out with a bang. From what I know the 65 year old bomber had no family or real friends. He was an extremely lonely man who only ever knew himself. I believe he wanted to die with people knowing he existed. I don't even think he was depressed. I think he was completely void of emotion. I think he was just... done. Done with life.
The fact that he broadcasted a message saying that people needed to evacuate the area before the bomb exploded 15 MINUTES before the blast tells me that he had absolutely no want to hurt anybody. The song "Downtown" by Petula Clark is said to have played before detonation. I believe this was just a cinematic accessory of him ending his life. A Breaking Bad cinematic "lying down on the floor, camera panning outwards, cut to black" shot. I think he just wanted to die having made an impact on the world. He needed people to know he existed, so he blew up this RV in the middle of Nashville Tennessee on Christmas Eve morning.(I think the date could mean something personal to him- but idk.) I think he could have been angry. Angry at the world that he felt was ruined by the media. The media, technology, and stupid people who believe the things put out into the news like his manifesto. He was making fun of the people who he felt were inferior like the followers and supporters/workers of corporations/businesses. (He parked the RV in front of an AT&T store. I think this was a direct stab at tech companies. I also feel the need to mention that the thumb drives included in the packages sent were Samsung. Not sure what to say about that- just an interesting tid-bit. Could mean something… maybe not. Who knows! This is all just speculation on my part.)
Final thing I want to note about the bombing...
The news. I fucking hate the news. They decided to not release his full "manifesto." Here's why:
"While NewsChannel 5 believes summarizing Warner's letters will provide a better understanding into his state of mind, WTVF has made the decision not to publish them in their entirety. We are attempting to balance shedding light on his mindset prior to the bombing with not giving him unnecessary notoriety." Shut the fuck up. BULL FUCKING SHIT. That makes my blood boil. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??? "-giving him unnecessary notoriety." NO! THIS NOTE EXPLAINS WHY HE FUCKING DID IT. SO,, MAYBE RELEASE IT? MAYBE GIVE PEOPLE SOMETHING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS?? WHAT!!!??? People on the internet would dissect that like crazy! Release that shit!!! Its a fucking suicide note. That shit pisses me off. Fuck that. UGH!
(ALL OF THIS NASHVILLE BOMBING STUFF IS ACCORDING TO THE MEDIA… I DON'T TRUST THE NEWS AT ALL, BUT IF ALL OF THIS IS TRUE- THAT IS WHAT I MAKE OF IT.)
Alright.... It's 2021! Hell yeah. My New Year's resolution is to let go of other peoples past. I hold grudges like crazy. Especially with the people in my school. Don't get me wrong, I hate those narcissistic, stuck up, trend-following-fucks. But I'm tired of being angry. So, I'm letting go.
Solipsism. Solip-sism. Solipsism. I've been thinking about that a lot recently. A lot. I am incredibly solipsistic. I always have been. Ever since I can remember, actually… I'll write about that later. It's just odd. There's a term for this. I thought I was the only one but the fact that there's a term for this tells me other people have thought this way too… It's funny. Brains are funny.
I need to make a page or something about my "relationship" with Sol. (I have never talked to or met her. I just have an intense connection to her. Idk-) I'll also write about that later. I am starting to get tired so these are getting shorter. Oops!
Alright, final topic for tonight! I am having surgery… soon. It's for my leg and back. I have grade 3 spondylolisthesis! So that… fucking sucks. It's painful as hell. It will almost completely disable me throughout my day. I can't even sit without being in an insane amount of pain.
My spine is pinching my sciatic nerve so… yeah. It's pretty terrible.
I'm gonna have to have surgery to get it fixed. Not sure when that will be, but my guess is it'll be in the 2 months or so. Hopefully less.
I am not nervous about the surgery at all. Hell- I hope they fuck up! I wanna get out of here ASAP. The only thing I'm nervous about is the painkillers afterwards. I struggled with an opiod addiction for years- but I recovered in February of 2020. (I'll be one year clean on 2/5/21) All medication (even over the counter) is locked up at my house because my mother is worried I'll try to OD again… Lol. I'm not going to but- That's a whole other topic. Same as the "opioid phase" of my life. Whatever, I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'm goin the fuck to sleep! Night, friends. :D